copyright 2010: alexpleith.com

I'm an absolute idiot. I do this to myself every flipping time. It is almost like I realize that this is the only way that I feel real emotion. I allow myself to fall head over heels (which I still don't know how that phrase came to be...) in a hurry just so that when I crash, I crash hard. And, the worst thing, is that she's the most amazing girl I have ever met and I really really wanted it. I even plead for it, which has never happened. But, alas, I sit here alone on my couch again without a single hope for something more.
Everyone tells me I'm so amazing, but it would appear that all are terribly mistaken. Trust me, I'm more than fine being alone, it doesn't bother me. But, every time I find someone that just truly makes me happy just by seeing them, I catch a glimmer of possibility, I throw caution to the wind and it comes back to piss me in the face.
I'm no longer a man taken easily to vulgar language, but I have had to stop typing a million and a half times in this very blog entry to not type down the things in which I'm really feeling. I try to sound cultured and well spoken, but my deepest, darkest, and sadly truest self, is far from this. My pre-mission self is who I really am, though I run from it each day. That is what made this girl so great. When I even thought of her, every bad habit was absolutely foreign to me. I saw hope again, I saw a future.
But, now there is nothing left there. I'm back to who I was before I met her. Bad habits are sure to resume and I'm left again to my own devices. I should be strong enough to overcome this, but there is something true about the statement, neither is the man without the women, nor the women without the man...